Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
"Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you'll die tomorrow"
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE!
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
When I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I go up to that persons door and ring the doorbell. When they answer the door I'm gone. But whats there is a jack o lantern with a knife in the side of it and a note saying YOU. After that I usally feel alot better. And look: No harm's been done.
And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.
No one is listening until you make a mistake
"You know you're in love when reality is better than any dream"
There are 3 kinds of people- Those who can count and those who can't
"I'm an angel honest... The horns are just there to hold the halo up"
You're just jealous coz the voices are talking to me and not you
A day with sunshine is like,night
"Just becuase i'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating!"
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"
My idea of homework is to sweep the room with a glance
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
"In the beginning there was nothing, then god said 'let there be light' and there was still nothing but u could see it."
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away 3 weeks before you need it
"If you're drinking apple juice and it's warm, odds are it ain't apple juice
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
I'm on a seafood diet, every time i see food, I eat i."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if yo've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if yo've got a t-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before u do the wash!"
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men ae having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem--J Leno
"Why does Sea world have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger when i realise, oh mi god...I could be eating a slow learner!!"
"If swiming is so good for your figure, how do u explain whales?"
"You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice"
"I have pms and a gun...Now what were u saying?"
"Gravity doesn;t exist...the earth SuCkS!"
"I got a dog and named him 'stay'. Now, I go 'Come her stay'. After awhile te dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
"I'm not into working out.My philosophy: NO pain, NO pain!"
"I'm blonde...What's your excuse?"
" How can i miss you if you won't go away?"
"The way i see it is that the more people who hate me, the less people I have to get along with."
"I'm special, you're not, GET OVER IT!!"
Don't drink and drive...you might spill you drink
"My mum told me that she learned to swim when someone took her out into the river and threw her off the boat. I said 'mum, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim!"lol!!!!!!
